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H u m o r
DR. BILL’S ANSWER CLINIC
By Dr. Bill Marra
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This Rock
Volume 4, Number 8
 August 1993 
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Dear Dr. Bill: Me and my boyfriend plan to get
married and we need advice. I mean, how much should we plan on spending,
and what kind of church liturgy and things like that?
Bewildered
Dear Bewildered:
No problem. Social scientists have a check list that works for everybody:
1. Costs
Research shows that the couple should calculate their annual income
for the past three years and figure that any decent wedding will cost
at least 30 percent of the total sum. If you don't plan on having
children, make that 50 percent. This way you'll let people know that
you're really serious about marriage. Some scientists even suggest
that among middle-class populations, marriages tend to last longer
in proportion to the amount spent on the wedding. They theorize that
the couples want to stay together at least long enough to get their
money's worth.
2. Church Service
Even if you and your boyfriend are not especially religious, it's
nice to have some reference to God somewhere in the ceremony, especially
if you have a nuptial Mass. But remember, it's your wedding,
and you two should have the most input into the script. Some couples
like to compose their own vows, because they don't feel honest about
repeating somebody else's formula, especially old-fashioned versions
contain words like "until death do us part." We know now
that such extravagant promises are unrealistic, and they actually
impose an extra burden on the newlyweds. Anthropologist Margaret Mood
pioneered bold new formulas for the vows. One of them she called "The
Five-Year Renewable Term" policy; another was "The Open-Ended"
policy. The idea is that the couples design the terms of the agreement
they feel they can live up to. One couple that I know simply said
in unison, "We promise to love and honor each other until one
of us no longer feels up to it." Short, simple, and honest.
3. The Reception
This is by far the most important thing. You must not bungle here.
People will be forgiving if you mess up the church ceremony (if, indeed,
they even notice anything wrong), but they won't be so easy on a bungled
reception. So please pay close attention to these two rules.
Rule 1: Never trust your own judgment in these matters. So
refined is the art of reception catering that Harvard is now offering
a doctoral program that certifies highly trained individuals to be
Certified Reception Managers (CRMs) for weddings and funerals.
Rule 2: Music can make or break the reception. You may suggest
one or two musical selections to your CRM, but resolve to go by his
decisions even if he vetoes all your choices. His training will enable
him to fit the songs to your particular situation. He will of course
stress the different, multicultural varieties of modern music, especially
acid rock and heavy metal. A live orchestra is preferred, but if you
are on a tight budget ($30,000 or less) it is not in bad taste to
hire a disc jockey.
The object of loud music is to render it impossible for the guests
to speak to each other. (This cuts down radically on all those pesky
"getting to know you" conversations among the family members
of each of the spouses: God knows, they'll get to know each other
soon enough!) Only the shortest breaks should be tolerated. In the
case of a live orchestra, provide some canned music during their breaks.
If you're on canned stuff in the first place, the advantage is that
you don't need a single break.
Your CRM also will instruct you as to all the procedures and their
precise timing. For example, it is considered bad form for the bride
and groom to show up at the reception too soon after the church ceremony.
A minimum of two hours should elapse for professional photos. (Incidentally,
the photographer--whether with a camcorder or a still camera--should
have absolute control of the timing and the lighting in any church
service. He can instruct the priest on what to do, what to say, and
when to start. Just remember, the ceremony lasts an hour, but the
photos are forever.)
Your CRM will have the band set up for all the introductions as the
wedding party files into the reception room. He will coach the bride
on when to kiss the groom, when to throw her bouquet, when to remove
her garters. Do not attempt to act otherwise. Your input was at the
church service. From then on, it's all up to the professionals. Don't
interfere.
4. The honeymoon
Strictly speaking, this is not part of the wedding or the reception,
but a wise couple still will want good advice here. The basic rule
to follow is to move fast: from reception to airport or cruise ship
or even to your own car. Choose the most expensive and sophisticated
honeymoon plans. You don't want your friends to think you're cheap.
Third, try to arrange a CRM for the whole length of the honeymoon.
He will schedule all sorts of activities. A really alert CRM will
arrange to have music (sometimes recorded right from the reception)
piped into your room.
You see how great it is to be married these days. Please do drop me
a line well before the terminus--of your marriage or of
each of you. I am finishing the preparations for a graduate program
in Death Counseling Etiquette, and I should have it available by the
time you need it. Good luck!
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